Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.