Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of onelongbender's best tweets

@onelongbender : Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE

@onelongbender: Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

@onelongbender: This woman at work sounds just like me. I'm going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.

@onelongbender: I don't think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.

@onelongbender: Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.

@onelongbender: My internet boyfriend doesn't know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.

@onelongbender: When people tell me I'm intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

@onelongbender: Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.