I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
A wise man once said nothing.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting