Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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FRED: right
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
constantly working on myself.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.