and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The pasta is now
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.