Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
When news reporters do sports stories
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.