There is no “ea” in Tim.
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.