Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!