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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet