Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
You Might Also Like
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“What movie?” 🤔
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.