I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Worst perfume name ever.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
How animals would run if they were human
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.