Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules