Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell