Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
How to find Kentucky on a map
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.