*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Word!
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats