This is me
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
a lot to unpack here
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
When I grow up, I want to be 16
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.