Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of oxygenplug's best tweets

@oxygenplug : If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

@oxygenplug: *you see a bear approaching*
"quick play dead!"
*bear runs up to you*
"OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU"

@oxygenplug: "Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?"

"Juicy Juice"

"What? Are you sure? Why don't we-"

"Juicy. Juice."

@oxygenplug: [commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?

@oxygenplug: [at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

@oxygenplug: "yes I'm very good in bed"
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
"Oh no, this doesn't normally happen I swear"

@oxygenplug: if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it's really easy

@oxygenplug: "we're out of bread"
"ciabatta be kidding!"
[waiter takes out gun]
"make another bread pun and ur toast, pal... shit"
[i take out my gun]

@oxygenplug: "Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird"
"Dude thats my dog get off"
"why is ur horse so small"
"Its a DOG"
Why u pronouncing horse weird

@oxygenplug: Can't wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours