[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Worst Native American name ever.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha