Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me trying to look natural in photos
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.