Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
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I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.