Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
let’s discuss
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.