couldn’t resist
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
What even happened today?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand