Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*mops up wine with cat*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.