Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
At least he brought enough for everyone
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
handsome & gretel
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!