Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of panmidwest's best tweets

@panmidwest : HER: so what do you do? ME: i'm a mathemagician HER: you mean a mathematician? ME: [divides by zero] no

@panmidwest: FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can't tell you
FRIEND: really? like it's top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

@panmidwest: SISTER: i'm engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an 'ew' in there

ME: …no

@panmidwest: ME: thanks for "showing me the ropes" lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you're not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

@panmidwest: [BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

@panmidwest: [Father's Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well...

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

@panmidwest: [My Funeral]
"He died doing what he loved… saying 'Cars have to stop for pedestrians,' as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk."

@panmidwest: DR.: you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

@panmidwest: ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady "mom"
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you're asked

@panmidwest: MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you'll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice