Funny Tweeter

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Page of panmidwest's best tweets

@panmidwest : [Mcdonald's] DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids WIFE: we have 10 kids DARWIN: I know

@panmidwest: [date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

@panmidwest: me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

@panmidwest: me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

@panmidwest: teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

@panmidwest: wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

@panmidwest: i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

@panmidwest: [chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

@panmidwest: mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*