Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of panmidwest's best tweets

@panmidwest : i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

@panmidwest: [chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

@panmidwest: mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

@panmidwest: [texting gf across the table from me so the people we're making fun of won't hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all

@panmidwest: USPS: if you pay us $8 we'll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

@panmidwest: ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

@panmidwest: ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I'm not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

@panmidwest: [Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?