@panmidwest: FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can't tell you
FRIEND: really? like it's top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
@panmidwest: SISTER: i'm engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an 'ew' in there
@panmidwest: ME: thanks for "showing me the ropes" lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you're not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
@panmidwest: [Father's Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well...
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
@panmidwest: [My Funeral]
"He died doing what he loved… saying 'Cars have to stop for pedestrians,' as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk."
@panmidwest: DR.: you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
@panmidwest: ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady "mom"
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you're asked
@panmidwest: MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you'll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice