Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine