Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”