I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.