People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.