superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.