Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Children of the corn 🌽
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.