BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died