I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
not seeing the problem
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry