CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
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When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators