Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?