@patnspankme: A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
@patnspankme: The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
@patnspankme: (during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
@patnspankme: One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
@patnspankme: 99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
@patnspankme: The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.