@patnspankme: (during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
@patnspankme: One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
@patnspankme: 99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
@patnspankme: The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
@patnspankme: CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
@patnspankme: Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
@patnspankme: Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.