Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of patnspankme's best tweets

@patnspankme : * flirting with disaster disaster: Gross

@patnspankme: When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

@patnspankme: Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

@patnspankme: Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup...

@patnspankme: I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

@patnspankme: (filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That's right.

@patnspankme: There's no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There's also ME, AA and RAGE.

@patnspankme: Are people who say "hard pass" aware of fiber supplements?

@patnspankme: Divorce... The most common home improvement project.

@patnspankme: If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.