Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!