Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
You Might Also Like
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.