Found my door mat
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one