My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?