My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.