Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
no their not
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Google assistant rules
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.