Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of pbear79's best tweets

@pbear79 : Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.

@pbear79: [first date]

Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants

Me: I'm going to get the bacon cheeseburger


Me: Is that not what you meant?

@pbear79: Therapist: What's the most meaningful connection you've made in your life?

Me: You mean...other than wifi?

@pbear79: Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I'm an AMAZING listener.

@pbear79: A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..

Long story short, picking her up at 7.

@pbear79: I cashed in my swear jar today...

The guy at the Rolls Royce dealership said he'd never done a transaction in change before.

@pbear79: If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can't eat one.

@pbear79: He died doing what he loved most...

Correcting my grammar.

@pbear79: I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said...

"Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they're going to die."