Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of peachesanscream's best tweets

@peachesanscream : What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

@peachesanscream: Doctor: "You have a blockage in your small & large intestine"

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* "Ok, Tall & Venti intestine."

@peachesanscream: Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@peachesanscream: A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

@peachesanscream: You've seen nothing until you've seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

@peachesanscream: Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

@peachesanscream: To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@peachesanscream: The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

@peachesanscream: My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.