kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”