based al yankovic
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Haha good job!!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing