Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.