Probably my best painting.
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
me adding lol on a serious message
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.