Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams