my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
No Google it does not
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
why isn’t he texting back
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Lol #dogsoftwitter