me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
🤣dope
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life