Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze